It’s 3 am. Oh wow my boobs hurt. Gotta pump.

Dammit, where did we put the breast pump? Oh, there it is. Okay, now I need a bottle… There. Five minutes, just five minutes per boob. Okay, pump attached. Is the milk coming coming out? Okay, there it is. Gotta start the timer.

It’s cold this morning. The Child is making sounds. Is he cold? Is he awake? No, he’s just making noises.

Okay, five minutes are up. Other boob.

Dammit, I’m dripping. Where’s the towel? Okay, gotta start the timer.

Why am I doing this in bed? I can barely see anything. Next time I should do this in the bathroom.

Wow, the Haakaa is full. Oh good, five minutes are up. Let’s see, how much milk is that? Gotta log it. Ugh, now I have to put on a shirt so I can put this in the fridge. Which shirt won’t hurt my nipples too much? That’ll do.

Okay, milk transferred. I’m hungry. And thirsty. Gah I’m tamad to make food. But I’ll need to feed the child in a few hours. Fine fine, peanut butter sandwich. And a glass of milk. Then maybe hot chocolate. Akala ko ba tinatamad ako?

Okay, I’m full. I should sleep. Oh I’m sleepy. It’s nice and cold. Wait, is the baby awake?

No, he’s asleep. Okay. I should sleep.

What was that sound? Is he breathing? Is he hungry?

No, he’s still asleep. Okay, I really should sleep. Sleep when the baby sleeps, everyone says. God, don’t they realize that’s impossible?

No, I can do this. I will sleep. Baby? Okay, you’re asleep.

Goddammit, it’s 6am. And the baby’s awake. Is he hungry? Are you hungry, Child? Hmm, you look too sleepy to feed. Okay, let’s change your diaper. That’ll wake you up.

Oh look at all that pee! How does a tiny little boy like you make so much pee? Okay here we go, now your pwet is clean! And you’re awake! Good morning, baby child! Did you sleep well? Are you hungry? Okay, let’s feed now!

Where’s the nursing pillow? Okay I need a towel. Where’s my phone? I’m hungry again.

All right Child, here’s the boob. Don’t bite! Why are you so frantic? That milk is all yours, it’s not going anywhere. Relax baby.

Let’s see, how long have you been feeding? 30 minutes lang ha, anak! The pedia said!

Ow ow ow don’t tug at the nipple please?

Are you done? I think you’re done. Time to burp! Was that a burp? Ooh that sounded like a big burp! Good baby.

Okay, Mommy will have breakfast then we can go to the park! You’ll probably just sleep through the whole thing anyway. Is it sunny? Is it cold? No, there’s sunshine, we’ll be fine.

Okay, I have a towel, BB8, and you’re wearing socks. Let’s see, what else? Mosquito patch, check! Water, check. Sunglasses, alcohol, handkerchief. Okay, we’re good! Here we go in the stroller.

Ugh go away mosquitoes, stay away from my child! Ugh people. Please stay away from my child!

Okay we’re at the church. Lord, please don’t let me screw this up?

La la la la la walking, sunshine, nice breeze. Baby Child? Of course you’re asleep. Oh well, let’s just go around then go home.

We’re home! Let’s check your diaper. Did you poop? You pooped! It almost leaked! My goodness, who put all this poop in your diaper? Okay, okay, don’t worry, we’ll clean your pwet. No, don’t move so much, you don’t want poop on your feets. Your feets are so cute and small.

There, clean pwet! Happy now? Who’s a happy baby? You’re a happy baby! Let’s do tummy time, for strong neck! Wow, you’re moving so much! Strong baby! Okay, that’s enough.

You must be hungry na. Are you hungry, baby? Let’s see. Oh, it’s been two hours! Okay, let’s feed, so you can be big, and strong, and smart, and kind!

Baby done? Okay, let’s go downstairs so you can hang out with Daddy Boy.

Hi Daddy Boy! O ayan, stay with Daddy Boy, so Mommy can finally go to the bathroom.

Oh yay, now Mommy gets to pee. Whew.

Okay, Mommy’s back! Aaand you’re asleep. Okay good, time to eat! Work! Work!

Yay food. Wow I’m hungry. Okay, where’s my laptop? Wow, why do I have so much email? Okay skip that, delete that. Write, write, write.

Aaand you’re awake.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Holy crap, it’s 5pm???

Oh good, your father is home. There, go with Daddy! Okay Mommy just needs to lie down for a few minutes.

What, dinner’s ready? Okay yay! Baby, hang out with Daddy Boy first so Mommy and Daddy can eat.

Okay, Mommy’s done! Are you a sleepy baby? Are you a hungry baby? Is it your turn to have dinner? All right, time to go upstairs. Good night Daddy Boy!

Okay baby, let’s do this bedtime ritual thing. Diaper? Okay, let’s change it. You won’t latch properly if your pwet is wet. Okay, clean pwet! Let’s feed na!

Latch properly darling. That’s it. Relax, the boob’s not going anywhere. Okay? Good baby. Just feed.

Okay, 30 minutes na! Tama na! Daddy will burp you now.

Yay, baby burped! Okay, let’s sponge bath you so you’re nice and clean, like your pwet! And let’s make sure Daddy doesn’t sit on the palanggana full of water afterwards.

Yay, clean baby! Do you like that? You like the warm water, don’t you? Happy baby. Let’s put you in your onesie. Okay is it backwards? No it’s not backwards, yay! Okay, one arm, then the other arm. Are your mittens still clean? Have you been eating your mittens? Are your mittens yummy? Is that yummier than the Mommy milk? Of course not. Oh you’re smiling! Oh why are you so cute? How did we make such a cute baby?

Okay. Time for your flight suit! You like your flight suit. So it’s nice and warm, and you can’t kick it off in your sleep!

There we are! Now it’s time for your bedtime story.

Not sleepy yet? You’re sleepy na e. That’s your sleepy, lazy cry. Okay, second bedtime story! We’ll read two scenes from Shakespeare’s Star Wars, okay?

Oops, I don’t think he likes Darth Vader very much. Okay, enough of that. We’ll sing na lang ha?

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, Naboo was under an attack… 

Oh God, how many times do we have to sing The Saga Begins?

No, we are not rocking you to sleep.

Please sleep. You’re sleepy na e. Sleep na baby. Sleep, so you can get big, and strong, and healthy! And smart and kind, don’t ever forget that!

Please sleep.

Ayan, you’re falling asleep! Okay, I’ll hold you for ten minutes. If you don’t wake up, I’ll attempt to put you in the crib.

Counting down… ten minutes! Okay, putting you down slowly. Slowly… don’t wake up don’t wake up don’t wake up….

Okay, he’s on the crib. Extracting one hand. Slowly, slowly… yes, left hand is free! Extracting hand number two! Don’t wake up don’t wake up don’t wake up…. YES! DOBBY IS FREE!

Oh God I’m so sleepy… I can’t believe I’m falling asleep at 9pm….

It’s 3 am. Oh wow my boobs hurt. Gotta pump.