Eldritch Horrors spawn horrible conversation

I like gaming. I play on consoles (Playstation, Xbox). I play on my phone and my tablet: Marvel Puzzle Quest, Plants vs Zombies 2, Two Dots, 1010!, Words With Friends. And I play board games.

Once in a while, my friends and I get together to play Eldritch Horror. It’s a fun Lovecraftian game, and we spend hours solving horrible mysteries, slaying monsters and traipsing all over the world. (Also drinking and gorging on chocolate and junk food, but that’s beside the point.)

So it’s lots of fun. And there are a lot of puns. And innuendo. And euphemisms. And just plain awful jokes.

+ + + + +

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Paul: I will do my special thing. Fuck.

Paul: *reading Sister Mary character card* Test head.
Everyone: *snicker*
TJ: I’m sure there’s plenty of that.
Rej: Well the seminary is right there….

Mary Ann: *playing the private investigator* Give me a boat ticket. No wait, I don’t need it.
Trish: You might as well get a boat ticket. Unless you’re so hard-boiled you can swim anywhere.

TJ moves his character to the Amazon. “Ex-convict meets Sexy Librarian”
Trish: Natunugan nung ex-con na may chicks sa Amazon

Urim: *goes to Arkham* Farm boy in the city!

Paul: *reads Oneal’s encounter* Someone offers you a secret treasure
Everyone: *snicker*

Oneal: *reading an Encounter* Roll eye!
Rej: Just one

Urim: The farm boy is sad. He will take off his shirt now.

Trish: Urim loses his pants. Discard Despair conditions along with his pants.
Dante: Is this Strip Eldritch Horror?
Paul: *fiddles with pants* Would you like to see the Ancient One?

Urim: I’m happy that I don’t need brains to fight monsters.

It’s Urim’s turn.
Urim: I will regain my pants. And I will try to discard my Despair. *rolls success*
Trish: Ang galing ni farm boy sa hand job.

Rej improves three skills.
Trish: Are you at the Oprah show in Cairo?
Urim: It’s not fair! I keep losing clothing, everyone keeps gaining things!

Paul to Oneal: An archeologist questions you about a recent dig. *snicker*
Oneal: Oh that’s what you want to call it.

Mary Ann: *points* Move me
Rej: To the dead body?
Mary Ann: Yes
Rej: You have a thing for dead bodies?

Rej: *looking at monster* Does it get bigger?
Everyone: *snicker*

Rej rolls a success
Mary Ann: Sayang, cute sana ng fail result. Internal Injury.
Rej: Thanks ha!

Mary Ann acquires more assets.
Paul: So when you die…
Everyone: Ooh
Rej: Kill Mary Ann! Or, you know, if she dies we won’t be too sad when she goes.
Mary Ann: HOY!
Rej: Hey, you’re the one who wanted me to fail kanina!
Mary Ann: *sheepish* Hee hee

Paul: *rolls* Yes! I get a spell! *picks a card* Shriveling, yes! *cackles*
Oneal: It’s cold!

Mary Ann: *reading Cursed condition* “A powerful hunger possesses you” No, I already had pizza.

Paul: Urim, what’s your strength?
Trish: Phenomenal!

TJ: Who wants to go to the Amazon?
Trish: Nobody wants to go to the Amazon. Stop trying to make the Amazon happen.

Urim: I will deal with the Cultist Monster
Paul: Spawn of Abhoth *draws a card*
TJ: I keep hearing that as Spawn of Ad Hoc

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