I don’t remember the exact phrasing, but one of the things we discussed in my psych consult was the fact that I worry all the time.
The question started with “In the past two weeks” and went on to ask about me feeling worried or afraid, or something like that.
“All the time, all my life,” I said.
People don’t realize how much I worry, or all the things I worry about. So, on a given day, these are the things that go through my head:
- Oh God is Lucas eating enough?
- Is he getting a diaper rash?
- We haven’t potty trained him. Oh no is this going to scar him for life?
- Oh God I lost my temper at Lucas. Is this going to be a traumatic moment for him?
- Goddammit I have a typo.
- I didn’t exercise today. I’m going to be obese.
- Chocolate. Chocolate! Oh crap what’s my blood sugar like?
- Is Lucas sleeping enough?
- Wait what’s the available balance in my bank account?
- Oh no I think I offended someone.
- Ugh I don’t know if X has forgiven me for the mean thing I said ten years ago.
- Oh God does Y hate me for the Z thing I wasn’t able to do XY years ago?
- I hope this (work thing) is good enough.
- I want to write this thing. But who’s going to read it?
- I don’t want to say anything in the meeting today. I’m probably going to talk too much and say the wrong thing and offend someone.
- Oh crap do I need to do the laundry?
- Ugh I haven’t folded the clean laundry we brought up this morning.
- What am I going to make for dinner? Am I cooking enough vegetables?
- Why am I still doing X? Does anybody care about the things I do?
- You know what, why am I even doing this? Does anybody care about the things I did before?
- Oh no what work thing am I not doing right today?
- Crap we’re out of cheese. We need to do a grocery run.
- What if I bring home the virus next time we do a grocery run?
- I forgot to do this work thing. Crap I’m going to lose my job.
- Oh God how long is this quarantine going to last? What if it never ends? What if we’re stuck here for years?
- Well I suppose there’s no point in doing anything. Who’s going to care anyway?
- Why? Why should I even bother?
All day. Every day.