Twenty days in

Today my anxiety is spiking.

I feel like I’m missing something, falling behind, on so many things.

We went to the grocery two days ago. The line was so long in the morning, so we went back in the afternoon. The meat selection at the grocery was terrible by the time we got there. I bought two packs of pork that were supposed to be good for sinigang. But they turned out to be miserable packs of bones with barely anything on them.

I bought vegetables but I didn’t have clear plans for what to do with them, and I haven’t found the energy to chop them up and keep them in the fridge.

I keep thinking about how upset I’ll be when they go bad.

I feel like I’m behind on ten million things at work.

I haven’t done much yoga this week. The only exercise I’ve done is taking a few angry jabs at the punching bag, and that might explain the aches in my back and shoulders.

I feel like a headless chicken, and this is a feeling I absolutely hate.

I hate not knowing what to prioritize. I hate not being able to focus. I hate flitting from one thing to another, and not really getting anything done. I absolutely, miserably, completely hate missing deadlines. I hate hate hate remembering the things I was supposed to do last week, and wasn’t able to do at all this week.

And now there’s a sick feeling in my stomach, and I can’t eat, and I feel like throwing up.

I can barely even look at the news anymore. Over a million cases worldwide, and it feels like all we’ve done is hunker down–and that hasn’t even done anything.

I know there are things I should be grateful for, but right now all I can think about is how many things I’m screwing up.