It’s tough when work is a large part of how you define yourself, and things go awry. Discussions are ongoing and decisions need to be made, and these goings-on may have a significant impact on the future of my work. Frankly, I’m not handling this uncertainty very well.
It’s been a struggle. I sit at my desk, staring at my screen, willing words to appear and plans to formulate themselves. I frustrate myself thinking of interviews and campaigns, and end up doomscrolling on social media. I fidget and I fret, and next thing I know, I’m in tears.
I find it stupid and ridiculous, that a few sentences uttered in a meeting find themselves lodged in my brain, setting off a turmoil of fear and despair. And yet I sit, day after day, wondering, what is the point of anything I’m doing? I focus on mundane tasks, things that don’t require much thinking, and even then I struggle.
How bad is this depressive slump? I don’t even have the energy to write a to-do list. Getting up in the morning is a challenge. I can’t do yoga. I can barely eat. Even writing this is difficult, like trying to vomit on an empty stomach.
One day, a few weeks ago, I was out with my best friend, and I just kept crying and crying. I ended up going home, and crying more on the bus. I ran into a friend, and after chatting with her I just cried some more. I was such a mess that I couldn’t make the last leg of the trip home, and I had to ask Oneal to pick me up from Alabang.
At home, I just cried and cried. I needed to take my anxiety meds just to stop crying and fall asleep.
This week, I broke down and told a colleague that I was struggling. I told her about how I couldn’t find the motivation to do anything, how even the simplest tasks took twice as long because I simply couldn’t focus.
I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in this slump. Some days it’s hard to breathe, and it feels like there’s a hole in the pit of my stomach. I force myself to eat just so I don’t end up with hyperacidity. I’m back on my antidepressants, just so I’m not reduced to a mess of tears each day.
All I can really do is crawl through each task, each hour of the day, hoping for a resolution to my dilemma while looking for the motivation to work. Things will get worse before they get better, and I can only hope the worst passes soon.