I can’t be still.

For some reason, I cannot find enough calm for a yoga session. Sleep is a struggle. Weekends are a challenge, because there is no work to keep me busy. I can’t sit still. Inevitably I get up and look for something to clean, cook, wash.

I can’t be still.

It’s as if stillness is resignation. Stillness is acceptance of the way things are. Stillness is agreeing that this is the way life is now, and will be for the foreseeable future.

I can’t be still. I just can’t.

I keep looking for the next thing I need to do, clean, cook. I keep looking for tasks I kept putting off, things I always meant to sort, junk I always planned to throw out. I keep looking for something , anything, just anything dammit.

Silence is resignation. Sitting down to read, to enjoy the peace and quiet, is resignation. Allowing myself to enjoy an hour of yoga is resignation.

And I just can’t.